Confessions Of A Soccer Spy*…

After just under four years of working in South Africa, on Saturday morning I was finally found out. I must admit, it’s been difficult living a lie for so long, but it’s quite a relief to now be able to get this off my chest.

Nonetheless, the discovery of my identity as an agent of the British government did come as a shock, especially seeing that it came from a lovely fella on Twitter, completely out of the blue.

For four years now I’ve been masquerading as a football journalist, both in Cape Town and Johannesburg, whereas my real purpose has been to protect European interests in Africa and relay information back to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and David Cameron.

Now, with Her Royal Highness now expected to recall me following the discovery, I felt that I owed it to those that I have pretended to be friends with to tell them the truth.

I often tell the story of how I fell in love with South Africa in 2006 when I came on a family holiday at the age of 16. That, however, is a lie. I have been lying about my age, and in 2006 I was 30, not 16, and purely came here to plant seeds ahead of my mission planned for 2011.

My time here in 2006 did not consist of making some incredible memories with my family or enjoying my first ever game drive, but was simply spent making contact with fellow members of MI6 to gain some valuable intelligence.

So, when the time came to arrive for my second trip, in 2010, I had already got the basics of what I needed to know, but it was time to expand my knowledge further and continue my recon work.

I definitely didn’t spend one of the best months of my life living in Cape Town’s suburbs and working in the CBD, and I most definitely didn’t make friends for life during a period that was so full of joy and happiness during the World Cup. That was all just a cover story.

As for the last four years, during my permanent stay in the Republic of South Africa, I have been continuously sending intel back to HRH and the Prime Minister to make sure that the country stays on track with our English ideology.

I feel bad for my friends, many of whom are professional footballers in the Absa Premiership, and especially my girlfriend, who have all been dragged along with my entirely believable ruse. However my duty to the Motherland outweighs that of ‘relationships’.

However my duty to the Motherland outweighs that of ‘relationships’.

I have not travelled all over the country watching football games in every province, or attended a CAF Champions League final, and I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that I’ve done nothing for the betterment of any South African players playing inside or outside of the country.

I actually don’t like football at all, it isn’t something that I enjoy watching or playing, hence why the last four years have been so difficult for me.

I must add that HRH has not been happy with the fact that I have had no unsavoury experiences in the last four years, something that isn’t fitting to our stereotypes of the country, while the PM is equally displeased at the incredible experiences that I have had in the country in order to keep up my elaborate act.

Meanwhile, on another point, I probably shouldn’t have posted so many unbelievable pictures and videos of spectacular part of Mzansi, sorry, South Africa, because they have also no doubt added to the illusion that it truly is a remarkable country.

Lastly, I most certainly have not fallen in love with the country that has (in my lies) become my second home, and did not invite friends and family to visit on numerous occasions to ‘enjoy’ it with me.

Once again, I do want to sincerely apologise to all of my friends, and social media followers in South Africa, for the way that you have been strung along over the last few years, and for the lack of football news and ‘intended insight’ that I have failed to deliver.

I’m not sure whether I will be able to keep my job at MI6 once this is all over, and to be honest, given my failure, I’m not sure I’ll be able to take on any sort of secret intelligence work ever again.

Enkosi. Ngiyabonga. Dankie. Thank You.

*Disclaimer* Other than my name, practically everything else in this piece is absolutely false.